Light at the end of the Lyme tunnel 14 tips for handling Lyme disease

I was first officially diagnosed with Lyme disease in January 2015. It took three years from the time I was bitten by a tick to get a firm diagnosis. When I was first bitten I was treated with two weeks of doxycycline, told that Lyme disease didn’t exist in Australia and that the excruciating pain in my knees was simply a harmless infection 

 Fast forward three years of random debilitating symptoms, countless doctors and every blood test known to man, when I finally found a Lyme literate doctor, who with the right testing and knowledge diagnosed me with Lyme disease from a positive DNA blood test (If you’d like to learn more about when I first contracted Lyme disease click here and to find out how I was diagnosed you can click here)

 My doctor, family and friends were amazing when I first found out that I had Lyme disease. Without their love and support I really don’t know where I’d be right now. However even with the doctor’s advice and the millions of articles on Lyme disease that I had read, I realised that the best person to give advice on a particular subject is someone who is experiencing it for themselves. So that’s what inspired me to right this post. The advice in this post is basically all the tips and tricks I have learned so far from treating my own Lyme disease.

 Please remember though that Lyme disease can affect everyone differently, so what works for me may not work for you. Also I’m not a medical doctor I am simply sharing my experience with Lyme disease in the hope I can impart some knowledge and make a few of you feel more at ease by knowing that you’re not alone in this. Always follow the advice from your doctor and chose the treatment and choices that are best for you.

1) Don't Panic

Ok first things first grab a glass of wine or a piece of chocolate if you're under drinking age (we will worry about giving these things up later), have a sip or a nibble and follow me... breathe in and breathe out.

Now I know this might be hard for you to hear at this early stage but..

you ARE going to be ok!

don’t believe me?? Ok well baby steps...

Look I’m not trying to sugar coat it. From my own experience Lyme disease is confusing, scary, expensive and can seriously affect you physically, emotionally and financially! It’s a jerk of a disease (and that’s saying it nicely) and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. Great you say, so please tell me again about how I’m going to be ok? Ok well you’re going to be ok because you’ve crossed one of the biggest hurdles, you’re diagnosed! You finally know what has been causing all those weird symptoms over the last few months/years. Now that you know what the problem is we can get down to treating it and getting your life back on track.

After visiting all the doctors who told you that there was nothing wrong with you and waving your results in their face (err ok that’s what I wanted to do when I first found out) You will more than likely cry, get angry and finally feel a little depressed. It’s ok to feel like this, let the emotions pass through you it’s all part of the process. Sure there are a lot of things in your life that are going to change and that’s scary yes, but not impossible. You may have Lyme disease but you don’t have to let it take over your life or define you if you don’t want it too.

    2) Organise yo’ self

When you go in to talk to your specialist take three things with you, a recorder to record what the doctor is saying, a loved one to support you and a list of questions you would like answered.

When I first went in to see my specialist after being diagnosed, I was deep into my Lyme symptoms. I found it very hard to concentrate on what anyone was saying and anything they did say went in one ear and out the other. If you take a recorder with you, you can replay it over and over again until you know your medicine and diet regime like you know you’re ten times tables.

Your loved one is there to not only give you love, support and make you laugh at the dodgy magazines in the waiting room, but to also ask any questions and concerns they may have.

Finally take a list of questions that you want to ask your doctor. An appointment with my Lyme doctor was expensive and he also had an extremely long waiting list! Pretty funny considering  Lyme disease apparently doesn’t exist in Australia…So when you go to your doctor you want to make sure that you are utilising your time as effectively as possible. Keep a notepad near your bed or in the kitchen and make sure to jot down any questions or concerns that pop up between doctor visits.

3)      Money money moneyyyy

Investigate any benefits you may have available to you and start applying. Work out the cost of your medications/treatment for one month and then break it down into weekly payments. Set up a specialised bank account and put that money away automatically so that when it comes round to buying your pills or visiting your specialist you have the money there ready to go.

Treating Lyme disease is an expensive business so if you can think of any way to generate extra money even if it’s knitting beanies and posting them on gumtree embrace it! Any creative outlet is good for your mental state of mind too!

Check your leave at work (if you are working) and educate yourself on your entitlements. There may be days when you don’t fell well enough to work once you start your treatment, or you may wish to take extended leave without pay. You want to make sure you’re completely covered.

Tip: It’s up to you if you want to let people know you have Lyme. I only told a few close co- workers and my boss obviously so that they would understand why I might need to run off early to a specialist appointment or if I needed to take a sick day.

4)      Step away from the bread and no one gets hurt

Now I am by no means an expert in this area and I am only sharing my experience so once again consult your own doctor on what you require with your Lyme disease and do what is best for you and your body. When I was first diagnosed, my Lyme doctor sent me for a food intolerance test. By eliminating foods that cause inflammation in your body you’re giving your immune system a fighting chance against the Lyme disease. Basically I got tested for 110 different foods and they checked to see which ones caused inflammation in my body. I came up with five main culprits.

1. Cow milk

2. Red kidney beans (weird as I've probably had red kidney beans five times in my life)

3. Egg white

4. Wheat

5. Carrot

After I got the results of this test and the doctor explained to me what I needed to cut out of my diet I cried to a co worker for twenty minutes about what there was left for me to eat! No dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no egg whites. Even a carrot was off limits, a carrot I ask you! That’s when I got real angry, how can a carrot be bad for you?? it’s healthy and delicious for goodness sake! In retaliation I ate bread, I ate chocolate bars and I turned my nose up at my doctor's recommendations.

After one particular wheat, chocolate fuelled binge when I was feeling really bad, it started to sink in that my doctor wasn’t banning me from these things out of spite he was trying to help me. You can’t rely on just the antibiotics on their own. Your body works as a marvellous antibiotic as it is. It’s already there on the ground running, why wouldn’t you try to fuel and energise it so it’s working optimally and able to easily kill all those crappy bugs.

My advice is to ease into your diet. Start with just missing sugar in every second cup of tea,  or buy a few brands of dairy free milk and have a morning tea with your friends where you rate the best one. Bit by bit you will grow used to it and as you start to feel better you will naturally want to eat better and keep the good vibes flowing. Also don’t feel bad if you want to treat yourself or if you slip up. Like I said eventually you will know what you can and cannot tolerate and you will start to find alternatives that are surprisingly not that bad after all.

5)      You get more bees with honey

There are going to be days when you can’t get the appointment that you want or you have a total freak out at the high cost of medication and that’s ok, just don’t take it out on anyone else. Always be super nice to your doctor, your pharmacy and especially the receptionist.  Sure the doctor knows his stuff but the receptionist is the one that’s opening the door. There may be a time when you need an urgent appointment and the receptionist is more willing to help someone who is genuinely nice and respectful.

 Luckily for me everyone at my doctors practice and the pharmacy I use have always been polite, professional, caring and very interested in my well being. I think the majority of people are willing to help you and go the extra mile if they can so remember be nice and always, always thank them for their help afterwards.

6)      Schedule me in

Buy yourself  a big week to a page diary and write in it all your appointments, daily symptoms and medications that you are having each day. This is an invaluable tool for not only remembering your routine (can anyone say Lyme brain?) but also for keeping track of your progress and providing important information to your family about your medications in case of an emergency.

7)      My happy little pill

Invest in a weekly pill box and refill it every week at a set time when you won’t get interrupted. This way you only need to concentrate for half an hour at the most while you fill it and for the rest of the week you can down your pills quickly and get on with your day huzzah!

8)      Educate yourself you must

Educate your family and friends about Lyme disease. Provide them with an informative link I recommend the Lyme Disease Association of Australia ,so that they understand the general symptoms, time frames and treatments. I found that when I told people about Lyme disease most of them had absolutely no idea what it was, how it was acquired, or how to protect themselves from it.

9)      Don’t mind me I’m just mmmblocking out the haters

Ok so by haters I mean anyone who smirks when you mention Lyme disease or thinks that your faking your symptoms and this includes doctors! Now I don’t want you to get angry, I just want you to smile and walk away. These people are entitled to their opinions and they can express it as much as they want but your already walking away in the opposite direction too far away to hear them! It’s your life and your health so make sure to only surround yourself with positive, supportive people. You know what’s going on with your body and health and that’s all that matters. Aint nobody got time for that negativity am I right!

10)   Find your joy

Find the things that bring you sheer joy and a smile to your face and line them up in case of an emergency. The next time you’re having a bad herx or are angrily perplexed as to why people get so funny about calling Lyme disease ‘Lyme disease’ in Australia, (Tomato tomaato let’s call the whole thing off! err again maybe this is just me) I want you to relax and grab your joy list and implement joy number one. For example things that make me smile are 

1. Seeing my cats at the end of a long day

2. Watching the latest episode of the Bold and the Beautiful (don't judge me)

3. Sitting outside listening to the birds and watching the clouds in the fresh air

4. Treating myself to a new magazine like Home Beautiful and losing myself in the colorful pages

11)  Detox detox detox

One of the most important things you can do for yourself while kicking Lymes butt is to detox your body. When the Lyme bugs die they let off toxins. Your body tries its hardest to remove all the toxins but sometimes it needs a little extra help, so make sure you have regular Epsom salt baths, saunas and drink lots of lemon water. All of these things will help your body to remove the toxins. I found that maintaining a regular detox routine helped lessen the impact of my herxes a lot and side bonus! the baths and saunas helped to de stress me.

12)  I want results!

Ask the doctor to print out all of your results and keep a copy of them in a folder. I found this very useful when I went to other doctors and they needed my history or I simply wanted to check up on how my health was going. By keeping track of your results it can save you time and money from repeating the same tests and It’s so empowering to be in control of your health! to know what you’re taking and how your body is responding to the treatment.

13)  Talk to me

Start keeping a journal or have a regular appointment with a counsellor you trust. You're dealing with a lot right now and even though you may be feeling positive and on top of your game it’s still good to check in every once in awhile and get out any thoughts, feelings or concerns you may have. Just like detoxing your body regularly it’s a good idea to detox your mind. It doesn’t matter how small or silly you think your worries or concerns may be write them down or talk to your counsellor and get them out of your head! Now your minds feeling free and easy let’s move onto my last tip!

14)  Lyme a little live a lot

My final piece of advice is, try not to make Lyme disease your whole life. Easy said then done I hear you say! Now don’t take me the wrong way talking about how you feel and connecting with other people with Lyme disease is SO important and when you're deep in the middle of a bad herx I know it's going to be hard to ignore!  I'm just saying don’t let it consume you. We all have things we want to achieve and experience in life so don’t let Lyme disease take over and control your dreams. Educate yourself, set up your health regime on auto pilot and then get out there and make your life happen! You’re not that girl/guy with Lyme disease you're YOU and your bloody spectacular!! 

*cough.. steps off soap box*

err ok well I hope this has helped in some small way! Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions and I'd love to hear about some of your experiences and advice too!

until next time!

jen :P

music sets me free

Sometimes there are no words to describe how your feeling. You need to express yourself, release something but you don't know how to. This is why I love music so much. Music portrays emotions and feelings that can't even be put into words. 

When ever I feel like no one understands me and I understand nothing I'll jump in my car drive and just listen to music. It does the talking for me. It knows what to say and how to talk me down. It doesn't even matter what the lyrics are, it's the sound and the feeling that the song gives you.

If it makes you feel inspired and everything in life suddenly makes sense again then it's done it's job. You may not always understand everything your going through but music does :)

jen :p

so fresh and so clean

                                     

So today I went on a mega cleaning spree and cleaned my house, my car and threw out a ton of stuff. I'm not normally a messy person but when your busy with work, family, friends and life things can quickly pile up! It was seriously starting to stress me out having messy piles of junk dotted here there and every where. It took me all day but I have finally finished!! my house and car are gleaming and smell so damn good!

Its amazing how just having a clean home and car can change your whole attitude and outlook on things. I've read that if you want to invite new positive experiences into your life you have to clean out the old mentally and physically and I have to agree. Just by getting rid of things I no longer need and reorganising my home it feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like I have space to breathe and the clarity of mind to guide my life in the direction I wish to go. It was hard graft today but now I feel organised and ready to take on what ever the universe has for me.

So if you want to invite good vibes and positive experiences into your life then gather your supplies and get your clean on! It's one of the easiest and most effective ways I know to instantly make yourself feel good :)

Jen :p

It's the simple things - the garden and mindfulness

Today I sat outside in the garden and absorbed the afternoon winter sun. It felt absolutely magical! The crispness of the air and the warm golden sun on my face. I closed my eyes and listened to all the sounds around me, willy wag tails calling out to each other, a dog barking in the distance, the flutter of a birds wings and the sound of the wind rustling in the trees. I have never felt so at peace.

Sitting in the garden has always had this effect on me, I guess in a way it's my own form of meditation. When I'm in the garden surrounded by nature I feel alive whilst at the same time so incredibly calm and content. My mind slows down and all the troubles of the day simply seem irrelevant. To me this is what real life is absorbing and feeling every bit of the present moment.

This form of 'meditation' is something that I've done my whole life but it wasn't till last year when I was introduced to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle* that I realised it had a name... mindfulness.

For example when you feel the sensation of the breeze on your face or watch the afternoon sun dance through the leaves and you allow yourself to be fully be in the present moment of just sitting in the garden with no distractions you are practising mindfulness. 

It was a fantastic afternoon and now I feel recharged, happy and ready for the week ahead! Do you feel the same when your in the garden? How do you practise mindfulness in your day?

Until next time stay mindful!

jen :p

*Eckhart Tolle is a German-born writer, public speaker, and spiritual teacher best known for his books The Power of Now and A New Earth.

And the winner is.... lyme disease!!

Hello there! 

Well its official I have lyme disease, I went back to my doctor in February to finally get the results of all my blood tests. My doctor was slowly going through each test on his computer explaining to me about this and that when he finally got to the main page. 'You've got it!" he cried, I had to laugh at his enthusiasm even though the news was a combination of bitter sweet! 

I always knew in my heart it was lyme disease, all the symptoms just fit and pulling a tick of me was the icing on the cake. However after years of being shot down by doctors and looked at like your a hypochondriac, it can start to eat away at your self confidence and you begin to doubt yourself. So having it confirmed finally was a very surreal experience! I felt like grabbing that piece of paper and waving it in the face of every doctor that had ever dismissed me! 

This brings me to another important life lesson :) Always ALWAYS listen to your own body!! No one is going to know how you feel better than yourself. Is the doctor there with you at 2am when you have a random stabbing pain in your foot?? no I think not. So if you're concerned about your health then note down all your symptoms daily and don't take no for an answer!

After the initial glow of my diagnosis wore off my doctor talked me through my treatment, what to expect and then gave me a bunch of scripts. If anyone is interested I will post up my regime at a later date. But basically it consists of an antibiotic that I have to build up to a full dose slowly, a few different pills to help make the antibiotic more effective and a whole bunch of herb pills that will support my immune system, help me detox and support my gut health so the antibiotics don't completely ruin it. 

I'm taking about 20 pills a day and the cost of a three month supply of all my drugs is around $800 dollars! although this figure will probably drop slightly next time as one or two of the pills were a one off. I was stunned when the pharmacist told me the amount, who can afford to pay that every three months! especially if your so sick that you cant work (luckily I am able to work). Its not covered by medicare or private health, its all on you. I still don't know how I'm going to pay for everything especially since my husband needs treatment as well (lyme disease can be passed sexually). He is also suffering from symptoms but we simply can't afford to get him tested. Needless to say I am keeping all of my receipts for the day when Australia finally recognises that lyme disease or a similar strain is in Australia and chronic lyme is a real condition!

It probably took a few weeks of me slowly building up my antibiotics before I got my first real herx reaction. The herx often hits me in the afternoon and it basically feels like all of my internal organs have been punched! my body just hurts and I don't mean muscle wise but internally. I get a weird buzzing sensation all over my body like my body is humming but not in a good way and some days I get nausea from morning till night. Although I'm not sure if this is just due to the pills I'm having or the toxicity in my body caused by the dying bugs. Perhaps one of the hardest things is just trying to swallow 20 pills a day, having that many pills just doesn't sit right with me at all literally! Despite all the herxy stuff I have had some improvement, my mind has come back to me and the nerve twitching, mood swings and tiredness have lessened quite a bit so that's a bonus! Plus I have lost 8 kilos! *fist pump* I'm almost at my normal weight! :) I don't herx this bad every day which is good and on the days I do feel like crap I just take comfort in the fact that the bugs are dying and I'm on my way to good health :)

This has been a really hard couple of months. Not feeling well and the financial stress of it all has sucked. Not to mention the fact that my husband and I have had to delay having children for at least two years :( I am so grateful that even though lyme disease has seriously disrupted our life it hasn't completely taken over. Despite having a multitude of symptoms we have for the most part been able to work and function every day. I hope my husband and I can beat this and become healthy again. I REALLY hope that lyme disease is recognised soon and that anyone suffering with this disease can get the help and support they need. People need to be educated on what this disease is and how to protect themselves from it. While its been a tough road, I'm really grateful that I finally know what is wrong with me and that I can start getting back to normal :) Remember to listen to your body and take care of yourself, no one knows your body like you do :)

Jen :p

To lyme or not to lyme

Hello there! I hope you all had a good weekend. It's been a good weekend for me as well despite one small problem I've spent a majority of it lying on the bed/couch feeling utterly exhausted. Even writing this blog post is a struggle because I just find it so hard to concentrate on anything, it feels like my mind has brushed its teeth put on its comfiest pjs and turned in for the night. Oh yea even though I'm utterly exhausted I usually find it extremely hard to fall asleep at night. Hence why I'm writing this blog post at 10.30pm. The reason why I'm so tired, my brain is mush and I'm writing in the late night hour is because I'm in the process of being diagnosed with Lyme disease.

I say in the process because Lyme disease can be hard to get a definitive diagnosis for, so even if you test negative on the blood test you can still have it. I have a wide range of Lyme symptoms and have already had three main co infections confirmed but once these last test results come back I should hopefully have a better picture of what's going on with me. So what exactly is Lyme disease I hear you ask? Well I am no authority on the subject by any means I can only tell you guys about my experience so far and what I've learnt along the way.

About two years ago I was bitten by a tick within Australia. My husband and I were going for a drive up in the hills, about 45 minutes from our home when the call of nature well... called! We pulled over onto a side road and I went to the toilet between the car and the start of the bush.  I was probably there for five minutes or so and didn't notice or feel anything. We drove home and everything was cool. The next day I woke up and don't remember feeling any different until about lunch time when I realised as I was driving that my knees were starting to feel sore. I had been hitting the gym pretty hard in the last few weeks in preparation for our upcoming wedding so I just put the pain down to over doing it with the weights. While driving I also went to brush my hair off my neck when I noticed the tiniest bump near my collar bone. I have two cats and often carry them over my shoulder when I pick them up. I remember thinking to my self 'damn those cats must have scratched me' causing me to bleed and form a little scab.

The next morning my knees were so sore that I could barely walk. As I was walking up this hill to get to work I had to pull my leg around in a circle to move forward as if they were in braces because I just couldn't bend them it hurt so bad. Again silly me just thought I had seriously over strained my knees by using the leg weights at the gym! I ended up leaving work early that day so I could go to the doctor and get my knees checked just in case. The pain level by this point had reached ten out of ten. I have absolutely no idea how I drove home in a manual the pain was excruciating! Unfortunately I couldn't get a doctor appointment until the following day so I decided to have a shower, relax and rest my aching knees. Whilst getting ready I looked more carefully at the little 'scab' on my neck. It felt like it was ready to fall off so cringing I decided to just pull the whole thing off. It was so hard to pull out! It was then that I had a closer look at it, a real close look... And I realised it was a bug!!! A tick to be precise :( I was so unbelievably grossed out about this that I freaked out quite a lot as you would imagine!

Funnily enough even though I've never knowingly encountered a tick before, I recognised it straight away and had the foresight to put it in a jar. Really because I didn't want to lose it and have it reattach to me! but also because the only thing I've ever heard about ticks is that they can carry lyme disease. I thought to myself strangely in that freaked out moment that I should keep the tick 'just in case'

Once it was removed and I had calmed down I decided to google ticks and Lyme disease. In all my years I've never encountered a tick and I've been camping in the bush plenty of times through out my childhood, so I really wanted to find out more about them. While reading up on Lyme disease I realised that one of the main symptoms was that it will affect your joints especially your knees as they are the biggest joints in your body. I decide to let the doctor know the next day what I thought had happened to me as I was convinced now that my knee pain was caused by the tick. 

The next day I saw the doctor and told her what had happened and what I had read on the internet. She examined the bite site to make sure there was no tick left behind and then agreed to prescribe me with two weeks of antibiotics. Even though I mentioned that I had read that two weeks wasn't long enough, she assured me that that was all I needed but to come straight back if the symptoms didn't start to dissipate in a day or so. She also sent me for a blood test to test for lyme disease even though she firmly stated that it didn't exist in Australia, she thought however I may just be experiencing another form of related infection. The test came back negative and after a few days my knees seemed to go back to normal and I felt fine. So I kept taking my antibiotics and forgot all about it.

A few weeks later however I noticed a lump under my skin near my collar bone. Worried I decided to book back into the doctor to have it checked out. I had to go to a different doctor this time as my other doctor was not available. My doctor had a look and confirmed that it was a lymph node. When I told him I had recently been bitten by a tick he put it down to the fact that my body was fighting the tick infection and thus my lymph nodes had come up in response. Little did I know that this was a sign that the Lyme disease was still active and progressing.

To cut a long story short for the next two years I starting accumulating a multitude of weird symptoms such as nerve pain,  pins and needles all over body, knife like headaches, extreme fatigue, weight gain, swollen glands in my throat, my face, nose and throat always felt swollen, I had hot flashes, tightness around my neck, unexplained depression and the thing that finally made me realise that there was something seriously wrong with me... all of my joints started clicking and hurting at the same time. It felt like they are just grinding in their socket! When I crouched down on my knees and then stood back up again, both my knees make a large cracking and popping noise. My jaw also constantly clicks and aches when I eat. 

I did go for numerous checkups for these symptoms during those two years. I had all of my blood levels checked but everything came back as normal. These symptoms would also come and go. So once they stopped and I felt better I forgot about them and continued on. Little did I know though that they would be back in a few weeks but always different. So I persisted on and as the years went by the symptoms got worse and worse. One day while I was looking up my various symptoms and possible causes I came across a lyme symptom check list. I looked down the list and basically checked  everyone of my symptoms off the list! I started to relise that it was quiet possible that I had never killed the bugs off in the beginning and that over the years it had just been going nuts enjoying free reign over my body.

I am of course seriously upset that if these doctors had been better educated about Lyme disease they would have relised that two weeks of antibiotics wasn't long enough to eradicate the diesease from the body and I wouldn't have spent the past two years suffering a multitude of symptoms and feeling like I'm a hypochondriac. But I do realise that as doctors they were simply following the medical guidelines set for all doctors in Australia. What I can't forgive is how the doctors treated me when I went back two years later asking them to retest me and investigate the possibility that I might still have Lyme disease.

The response I got when I asked my main doctor and another doctor to test me more thoroughly for lyme diesease was astounding. 'It doesn't exist here in Australia, two weeks is more than enough to treat any infection from a tick and (my favourite) 'there's nothing wrong with you, you must be depressed!' To me it's simple if you don't know what is making a person sick then why don't you simply come out with 'I don't know' and refer me to someone else. I don't think it's right to just put it down to the person being depressed. To be honest I was depressed by that point but it was because I had been sick for two years and no one believed there was anything wrong with me.

After leaving this last doctors office in tears, I got online and researched some more. After a lot of reading I found out that we had a lyme literate doctor in our area that actually acknowledge and treated lyme patients. I booked into this doctor and after a three month waiting period (yup that's how popular he is pretty weird considering no one in Australia is meant to have lyme) I finally saw him! He was great he listened to everything I had to say wrote down all my symptoms, looked at my past test results and then scheduled his own tests. He could see from previous tests (that I had sent over seas in desperation one day while waiting to see him) that I had tested for a few of the main co infections all ready but he asked me to send more urine and blood tests to an Australian clinic in Sydney to see if I would test positive for the main strain of lyme.

I will be seeing him again in February and will hopefully finally find out my results then. So there we go my little lyme journey so far :) I'd be lying if I said it has been easy these last few years but at the same time I am so grateful that I found that tick and pulled it off myself. If I hadn't found that tick who knows where I would be right now. You have to find the positive in everything or at least try to :) well the next blog post I write on lyme will hopefully come with a firm diagnosis!

Until then stay happy! 

Jen :p

Embrace your creativity # 2

Hello there! so this week I'm going to continue telling you about how I negotiated my way through my existential crisis and came out in one piece on the other side!

I have been working full time since university now for about 11 years and while I have really enjoyed all of my jobs and the people I have met, there has been something missing. The jobs would always start out ok I would very busy learning new job roles and duties, meeting people and forming relationships. But after a few years I found that I had pretty much learnt and mastered all I could in these jobs. They just stopped challenging me.

There wasn't really the opportunity to 'climb the corporate ladder' in these jobs and I guess in a sense I didn't really want to. Once I learnt the basics of the business I lost interest. I'm the type of person that always needs to be challenged and have a goal. This can be a blessing and a curse in a way. A curse because unless you have the get up and go to keep making new goals and challenging yourself you become extremely bored and remain in an eternal rut. If you're self motivated however and constantly challenge yourself, not only do you open up a million opportunities for yourself but you learn and grow more as a person. The more knowledge and wisdom you acquire in life the more you can fine tune who you are and exactly what it is that you want out of life! I seem to fluctuate between these two extremes, there are some things in my life I'm so determined to aim for and persist with until I have achieved it and than other times I allow self doubt and fear to take over! 

So here I am in my current job, it's been 7 years now and the challenge of learning has definitely worn off. But technically its a good job that pays well and has good benefits. I had been stuck in a rut career wise for a few years but didn't really realise how bad it was until I had an existential crisis. 

This existential crisis snuck up on me quietly. I was very happy in my personal life and would leave the house every morning with a smile on my face excited for the new day ahead but when I walked into that office the reality of yet another day of 'the same old stuff' hit me. By the time I returned home the life had been completely sucked out of me and so I recharged by spending time with my family and friends doing normal fun life stuff but also losing myself in endless episodes of the bold and the beautiful (don't judge me the bold and the beautiful is a quality show... no really I'm serious!)

Being a bold and beautiful enthusiast I would look on you tube for the current American episodes that had been illegally uploaded (disclaimer: illegal uploads are wrong) We're about a month or more behind in Australia so it's a thrill to know what's happening ahead of time! Living on the edge oh yea! ;) While watching these videos I kept seeing a picture of a guy in a hat on the left hand side of the screen that you tube was suggesting to me. I ignored this image for a few days when finally out of annoyance/curiosity I decided to click on it and see what it was all about.

It was a video made by a you tuber called danisnotonfire and watching this video was like taking the red pill in the movie the matrix. Little did I know once I pressed play on that video there was no going back for me! Now you tubers was a totally new thing for me, up until this point I had always thought of you tube as basically a place for funny cat videos and of course illegal uploaded episodes of the bold and beautiful. What had I been doing with my life?? I hadn't even scratched the suface of the youtube world! Well to cut a long story short my education of the world of youtube had begun. I watched endless videos of Danisnotonfire, Amazingphil , The Superamazingproject, Tomska, Ninebrassmonkeys, Jack and Dean, Carrie Fletcher, Sprinkleofglitter, Zoella, Paperlillies, Catrific, Mr Kate, Troye Sivan, Kickthepj, Crabstickz the list could go on forever there are too many favourites to mention. 

Watching all of these guys making videos and expressing them selves creatively really hit home to me, This this is what I had been missing! You see for a really long time I had been burying my head in the sand hoping that in some way it would block out the relentless question in my head that I just didn't have an answer for..

What am I meant to be doing with my life?

I still don't know the answer to this question yet but to quote Oprah Winfrey 

'What I know for sure' is that I am a creative person. Being creative makes me feel alive! It defines who I am and I've realised that it is the secret to understanding what I should be doing with my life. 

The life lesson that I learnt during all of this is to find out what your passionate about in this life and then fill and surround your days, weeks and months with those things!! 

I realised that there is a sense of joy and happiness that you recieve from doing something that you really love that is integral to the wellbeing of us humans. There I was so busy juggling all the balls of being a responsible adult that I had forgotten one of them and that was self fulfilment. So with this new found enlightenment I decided to put a plan into action. I sat down and wrote out a list under three headings,

1) What do I love

2) What am I good at

3) What have I always wanted to do

I seriously recommend doing this list it really helps put things in perspective and having it written down on a physical peice of paper some how made it feel more attainable than just being a floating thought in my head.

From looking at this list I gained a better understanding of my self and what I needed to feel happy and fulfilled. It also helped me set myself some new goals. I realised that I had always loved writing and that I wanted to start my own blog post and develop my writing skills. I realised that I missed media, cameras and editing and so I decided to try starting my own you tube channel and making short films. Finally I decided that I wanted to incorporate more creativity in my day to day life. I wanted to develop new skills and start doing those things that I had been putting off for years! For example I cook everyday but I wanted to become better at it master more recipes and well basically get my jamie Oliver on! Also refurbish old furniture and design new furniture, learn to play the piano, read more books and appreciate more music!

Once I started that list i just found more and more things to add to it. Honestly with all the awesome things to do in life who has time for fulltime work I ask you?? :p I still have those days at work (like we all do) when it seems like the working day will never end. But it doesn't bother me like it used to. I'm very grateful that I have a job that is helping support me and my family and I now know that as long as I keep being creative in my life I'll be ok. And who know if I work hard enough and develop my skills I may be lucky enough to turn my creative hobbies into a full time career :)

Well that's it for now! Hopefully your eyeballs are still functioning after reading that long convoluted blog post lol but more than anything I hope it inspires some of you to find your passion in life and make it a part of your daily life!

Untill next time peeps!

Jen :p